You may be the frustrated partner of someone who seems to have difficulty focusing on what you are saying. Perhaps you start telling your partner about something that happened at work today, only to find them staring into space and no longer responding to your amusing tale. Perhaps you started talking about weekend plans, and maybe your spouse has even responded here and there, but later you find out that they have no recollection of the conversation at all!
Your partner or someone else in their life (maybe even your couples therapist) has suggested that perhaps they might have ADHD. You know the one - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. You’ve heard of it, and you may even know a few people with this diagnosis. Like your nephew who can’t sit still or stay focused at school. You consider this for a moment, “Hmm,.... this would explain a lot about my partner…” but then you say “Wait, hold on! NOPE!”
You think, “It’s not that my partner can’t focus, I see them focus for HOURS at a time on things like…..
Dungeons and Dragons
Video Games
Fixing their car
Fixing their computer
Painting, coloring, knitting, playing music, 3D printing
Researching the shit out of trains / the space station / camera equipment
Researching the shit out of the next Star Trek / Star Wars / Marvel thing
Researching the shit out of new plants for their garden / home office / salt water fish tank
Researching the shit out of….. Ok, you see where I’m going with this.
The list can go on - whatever it is, you see your partner’s brain just light up and fully engage in a certain area they feel passionate about. This could be a hobby or (if they’re lucky) even their job. They can really, truly focus for hours on this thing and remember every minute detail. To the extent that it’s a little weird - maybe they’ve even been late to a date with you because they got so engrossed in this and lost track of time. Maybe they can remember all the plot details to the Lord of the Rings, but forget what day you told them the dog’s vet appointment is. They may also have a really hard time shifting gears and getting out of their state of focus in order to go do something else. This forces you to conclude:
It’s not that my partner can’t focus… they just don’t seem to want to focus on ME!
Ok - I hear you! I really do - because I have been you! It can be extremely frustrating and painful to see your partner’s brilliant brain focus so intensely and completely on something that is important to them, but to struggle to focus on or retain something that is important to you. This may cause you to conclude that your partner is capable of focusing, but they are just choosing not to focus at certain times. It can seem intentional or like it’s under their control. You may then summarily reject the possibility that they have a disorder whose main tenet is the deficit of attention. In other words, you may conclude - “My partner doesn’t have ADHD, they just don’t care about ME.
But this is where hyperfocus comes in.
Hyperfocus is a state of intense and complete focus for a prolonged period of time. It is not listed in the DSM diagnostic criteria for ADHD, but therapists and the ADHD community recognize that it’s a very common experience for ADHD-ers and Autistics. People can be so hyperfocused that they lose track of time, may become less aware of their physical needs like hunger or thirst, and can even tune out sensory stimuli around them like noise or temperature fluctuations. Think of it as a really intense flow state. Hyperfocus is a common experience for those with ADHD and Autism. But it’s a sneaky bitch - It paradoxically appears to fly in the face of the very definition of the diagnosis. Like, “wait, you have ADHD, so it’s hard for you to focus,.... But then sometimes you focus TOO much?”
Yes.
And here’s the catch - the state of hyperfocus cannot be turned on at will. It can only naturally arise when an ADHD-er or an Autistic is doing something they feel naturally engaged in and passionate about.
Think about it like this: The ability to focus is like a light switch. A neurotypical brain (ie a brain without ADHD or Autism) can just turn the light switch on at will. For example: “I need to do my taxes now…. Ok - I’ll turn on this light switch and start focusing on that.” A neurotypical can turn on the light switch in situations like:
This interests me
This is does NOT interest me at all, but it’s important to get this done
It will feel nice to get this done ahead of time so I can relax
It will feel good to get this done so I can cross it off my list
However, for someone with ADHD, that light switch just won’t engage well for reasons like “this is important, this will feel good in the future, etc.” Rather, the ADHD brain can turn the light switch on for things like:
This Interests me
This is a fun new challenge for me
This is sparkly, new, and exciting
This has become urgent now - I can see the deadline approaching and now a fire is lit under my butt to get this done
In other words - the switch can be easily turned on by interest, novelty, challenge, immediate urgency. At other times, focusing might be a struggle.
In situations of interest, novelty, challenge, and immediate urgency, focus may come easily, or may even develop into a state of hyperfocus from which it is difficult to emerge.
Your partner may very much love YOU, but struggle to stay focused on something you are sharing that does not align with the area of interest, novelty, challenge, immediate urgency, etc. And by the way, I can personally vouch for this one as well. Because I am also an ADHD-er. I am lucky that psychology is an area of passion for me, and also my job! I can focus ALL DAY on a therapy workshop and remember almost every detail of the training and the multiple podcasts I’ve also listened to on the topic, but clearing off and organizing the bathroom counter is a challenging and painful ordeal that I will procrastinate for days. Likewise, I love my partner more than I can say, and can spend hours joking with him and talking about our shared interests, like science, nature, or our kids, etc. But if he tries to tell me about the different departments at his job and who is now working for which department, and what department changed its name to what…blah blah blah…. my brain turns off in less than 3 seconds.
Ok - so now you understand what to make of this seeming contradiction that is your partner’s ADHD or Autistic brain.
So what can you do?
If you’re a Neurotypical Partner:
Try to realize that your partner may still have difficulty focusing at times when the topic does not “flip their light switch on,”, despite the fact that their brain is also capable of hyperfocus.
Try not to personalize this - again, your partner can LOVE YOU and also still struggle to stay focused on things that are important to you. Keep an eye out for anger and resentment. It is natural to feel frustrated or angry when we are not being heard, but if anger and resentment start to become the dominant emotions in your interactions with your partner, it may signify that couples therapy could be helpful.
Find a way to gently check in with your partner when you suspect they may have lost focus. Something like, “Hey babe - are you still with me?”
Try to be kind and understanding if they are not still focused on you, and rewind your story to get them back up to speed.
Be specific if you have an important “ask’” for your partner, and lead with that. Say something like “I want to ask your opinion about something “ or '“ I want to talk with you about some plans we have coming up”. Give your partner a few moments to switch gears to get their mind into a state where they can focus on you. This may take a bit of time if they’re in a hyperfocused state.
Look for opportunities to show your partner that you care about them for who they are, and they do not always need to get it perfect for you to love them.
If you’re an ADHD-er or Autistic Partner:
Try to gain more awareness of when you’re losing focus on your partner's story, and gently say something like “I’m sorry, I think I lost focus there for a moment - can you rewind a bit for me? I was following up until the part about ____”
Try to be understanding and non-defensive if your partner expresses frustration with your hyperfocus. You may be just tuning into what they are saying, but they may have been trying to get your attention for a few minutes.
Ask questions to clarify if you get lost, or re-state what you ARE following “Ok, I hear that you’re saying there are now 3 departments at your work, and you got moved to XYZ one, but I missed what you said about who your new boss is.”
Work as hard as you can to develop systems to retain information you need in the future, for example, upcoming appointments or plans for the future. Technology like different apps, shared iPhone lists and google docs.
Keep an eye out for emotional blocks. Sometimes we have a series of painful memories associated with certain kinds of tasks, and the shame can make it even more difficult to stay focused. This can be a great thing to explore in therapy.
Look for opportunities to show your partner that you care about them and you hear their concerns, challenges, and joys.
For both partners, try to keep in mind that diversity in our brains is part of what makes humanity wonderful, and what has helped us survive for 100,000 years. Though there are some challenges for mixed-neurotype couples, there are also plenty of strengths that brought you together in the first place. All brains have their strengths and challenges, so try to remember the aspects of your partner’s brain that are lovely and amazing. And lastly, try to cultivate a sense of being a team that is working together to navigate these differences together. Hyperfocus may be a sneaky bitch, but it doesn’t have to shake your foundation of caring and love for each other.
If you want to bridge these communication gaps even further with some couples therapy, feel free to reach out for a free 30-min consult with Rose at Redwood Counseling.
