Lessons from the Heart's Shadows:
A Spooky Tour of Our Darker Emotions
15-min read
[In a spooooky narrator’s voice….]
If you dare, join me on a Halloween stroll. Not through a misty maze or a haunted house, but through the shadows, depths, and dark corners of the human heart. Therein we will confront our greatest fears, and perhaps gain our greatest insights. The "treat" within the "trick" if you will.
Mwuahahaaa!
Envy
Gaze we shall on our first member of these depths. Lace up your boots and join me as we descend into the shadows of a foggy and verdant forest. There, coiled over a low-hanging branch, a dark emotion we all feel at times, yet deny, squelch, or otherwise turn away from - Envy. Envy has a shameful reputation. We may think of it as our base selves devaluing what we have and instead endlessly thirsting for what we do not. A green-eyed serpent coiled around our hearts - squeezing tighter with each breath to draw out more and more wanting. If left unchecked, Envy, aided by its henchman Social Media, can send us into an obliterating spiral of comparison and inadequacy.
And yet, this slithery shadow-dweller may have something to teach us. We have to sit with the Envy for a moment, without recoiling, and gently to invite it to share its message. When we steady our hands and reach out, we find that the skin is not slimy as we feared, but dry, soft, and smooth. When carefully taken into the light and uncoiled, we may in fact find that Envy has a most exquisite way of showing us what we most yearn for.
Am I coveting my friend's new house? I may yearn for security, stability, putting down roots, and a building a sense of home.
Am I jealous of my co-worker's gorgeous vacation photos? I may long for adventure, thrill, risk, the feeling of my heart beating hard in my chest.
Am I envious of a performer's ease in transforming silence into a sonata? I may thirst for the sense of achievement, honing a skill, and being seen and known in my ability to shine.
Some have argued that the human mind's tendency to compare ourselves to others is evolution's way of allowing humans to identify our strengths relative to others. Early in human history, before aptitude tests, this makes sense as way to gauge our skillset and help us find our place in the group. Envy may have a similar function, but with a more direct line to our unmet desires. Once the green-eyed serpent has peacefully uncoiled to reveal its message to us, then the truly hard work begins. We are called to action. Our task now becomes taking the steps to build what we are yearning for into our life.
Anger
If you're brave enough to continue, let us next ascend to the mountains. Partway up the climb, a storm forces us to take shelter in a cavern. Luckily, we have a light to illuminate our way through the winding depths of the cave. The narrow tunnel opens up into a chamber - ah, finally a place to sit and rest! But what is this? A glint of gold catches our eye, along with the smoldering curl of breath wafting up from the nostrils of a baby dragon! The youngster eyes us curiously, perhaps more a playful companion than a threat.... until his mother arrives!
Anger. It's a hurricane that spikes the heart rate and tenses the jaws. It ignites a flame that burns so hot, it incinerates caution & doubt, and reason along with them. It roars, rips, and tears now and asks questions later.
Anger is an intoxicating emotion that, if left unchecked, can very quickly and completely lure us into its self-righteous maelstrom. It can feel thrilling and empowering while we are in it, even though it may be our loved ones in the blast zone. But, in the cold light of day, when we look around to survey the damage we have done, the shame is blinding. This can cause many to avoid or suppress anger - a worthy goal, but ineffective as it tends to only grow when under pressure, and erupt out when we least expect it. Yet, anger is also a very essential emotion.
The dragon-mother's has very good reasons for her wrath. And she has no hesitation loudly and rapidly listing them for us:
You're IN my cave.
You've VIOLATED my treasure.
And if you even THINK about harming my baby,
I will END YOU before you draw your next breath.
We hear you, mamma! Loud and clear! Our party turns and swiftly and deliberately departs without hesitation.
If handled carefully, anger can be diffused and its gifts revealed. Anger can give us a very clear understanding of our boundaries - what feels OK and what feels like a violation. Anger is a very normal and healthy response to when a boundary has been crossed. This is what we call Primary Anger - this means that anger is the root of the emotion. This is our dragon mother saying, "You do not belong here - get out!" It is an important emotion to listen to, and not suppress. We do not need to express it in a forceful and uncontrolled fashion like a rage-filled dragon, but we need to feel it within ourselves first in order to state clearly and firmly, "No - what is happening is not OK with me. Please stop." If harnessed properly, the energy underlying anger can fuel our actions in important ways - to prevent or stop a violation, to seek healing around an injustice, and to work towards future change and safety. Primary Anger has many gifts for us, if we can slow ourselves enough to feel the anger, redirect the rage into calm communication of boundaries, harness the energy to fuel needed action, and, importantly, avoid burning our loved ones to a crisp!
There is another form of anger known as Secondary Anger - this means that the root emotion is something else, but it manifests as anger. The root emotion here is often something that feels more vulnerable than anger - perhaps pain, sadness, loss, embarrassment, shame. Even our friend Envy from above. In order to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of these primary emotions, our bodies spin up into anger, which provides the illusion of power and control. The gift of Secondary Anger, if we can pause long enough to look inwards and be brutally honest with ourselves, is a glowing and pure insight.
This is our Dragon Mother feeling the pain of the intrusion in her sanctuary and the protective fear when her precious baby is threatened. There are many times, especially when we think back in human history, when it was necessary to hide fear and project power and anger. However, when it comes to our loved ones, Secondary Anger may be running the show when it is not really necessary. If we can identify and share our primary emotion of fear, sadness, or hurt with our partners, they are much more likely to come to our aid than if we blast them with anger.
HELPLESSNESS
Lastly on our tour, if we have not lost anyone along the way, we clamber out of the cave tunnels to the field of boulders below. The storm has ended, and the sun is just starting to come up. In the dimmest light, we can just barely make out our feet on the path as we step carefully among the rocks. We are so intent on looking down to navigate our footing, that we do not notice that we are about to walk into a gargantuan, glinting, freshly-spun spider's web!
It quickly becomes clear that we are stuck. The more we struggle, the tighter the web clasps us. Sticky, thick strands with tensile strength beyond their fragile appearance would suggest become more and more tangled around us. We struggle for what seems like minutes, hours, how long has it been? We alternate between exhaustion and renewed strength, until futility sets in. Eventually we become limp, motionless, out of ideas...... helpless.
Helplessness. The most unassuming and modest-seeming of today's shadow-dwellers. It can grow slowly, bit by bit, yet once it sets in, it can seem like there's no going back. A true sense of Helplessness is perhaps the most terrifying corner of our heart's shadows, especially without the cover of anger to mask it. If left unchecked, it can spiral into burnout, despair, despondence, and eventually giving up. An emotion that terrorizes us not with a bang, but a whimper.
So is this it? Is this the end of not only our tour, but of everything? Has it all led us here to become just another one of Shelob's meals?
Ah - but we are forgetting perhaps the most profound and defining quality of the human heart - our ability for connection. Humans have survived unthinkable adversity, not by operating as sole mavericks, but as loving communities. No, I cannot free myself from the web, but it is a trivial task for my fellow traveler walking just a few steps behind, and wielding their trusty pocket knife!
Embracing our potential for helplessness, while spine-tinglingly unsettling, has perhaps the greatest gift of them all - the reminder that we are not meant to do life alone.
This gift reminds us to foster our relationships. Call that friend we keep getting too busy to catch up with. Check in on that family member we keep thinking of. Reach out with a full-hearted apology after that fight with our partner. (especially if secondary anger was running the show!) We must tend to our relationships, even when it means leaning into the dark and difficult emotions, wounds, and raw spots we've kept locked away. Here is our hard work revealed - tending to our our social web may be the life-giving path that keeps from being ensnared in the web of Helplessness.
There is much of life that we need to or want to do alone. But there is much of life that we cannot do alone, or would feel pale and empty without partnership or loving community. Often the most profound path to connection is when we can look inward, converse with Envy to identify our heart's desire, tunnel through the pain of loss and longing without succumbing to Secondary Anger, and keep our guard down as we explore this yearning with the person we love the most.
I could do life alone. But something would always feel like it was missing from my soul, and I sure would get stuck a lot. And after all, isn't Trick or Treating is always more fun with friends?
Happy Halloween, and keep exploring the shadows!
Rose Kormanyos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in working with STEM professionals and logical thinkers. At Redwood Marriage and Couples Counseling, she provides telehealth couples therapy in the states of Ohio, and soon in California. Reach out you’d like support in improving communication and connection with your favorite trick-or-treater!
This article is for informational purposes only, and is not a replacement for couples therapy or mental health treatment.
Photo Credits: Chris Curry, Laith Abushaar, Photologic, Raspopova Marina, Remy Loz via unsplash.com.