A conversation I have frequently with my clients revolves around how to best respond to our partner when they are upset. Seeing the person we love in distress is a powerful experience. Perhaps our partner is in tears after a difficult interpersonal interaction, or shaking with anxiety in anticipation of a scary situation. A common response is to offer some suggestions or ideas to help them feel better or resolve the situation. On paper, this makes sense... we may think, "Wow - my partner is really upset right now. Shouldn't I try to help?" However, if you are like most couples, you may have noticed that this does not always pan out the way we hope.
I tend to work with analytical thinkers, who often thrive on their ability to solve complex problems. They can be briefed on a situation, quickly see the root of the problem, and proceed to hypothesize and test solutions until they crack it. This ability to problem-solve absolutely rocks in the right context, and has often allowed us to excel in our academic and professional lives. So it makes absolute sense that, when we see the person we love in distress, we start using these same skills. But then why the heck does this seem to backfire so often? Not only is our partner not always wowed by our suggestions, but they sometimes seem to get even more upset!?
Because the brain operates differently when we are in distress - we need a different order of operations.
Yes - our emotions have an order of operations. You remember PEMDAS - the order of operations from evaluating an algebraic expression? If it's been a while - here's a refresher: Parentheses - First you perform the mathematical operations inside parentheses. Then you tackle exponents. Next up is multiplication and division, followed by addition and subtraction. What happens if you don't go in this order? Things can get a little f-ed up, and you won't get the right answer. So we all learn the handy acronym, and we're good to go.
1) Parentheses
2) Exponents
3) Multiplication/Division
4) Addition / Subtraction
As an example:
( 18 / 2 ) ² + 2( 97 x 10 - 2 ) + 1 = ?
Hopefully you got = 2018 above. (Which is the year Redwood Counseling was founded!)
Well, it turns out that our emotions have an order of operations, too. But this one can be less obvious, because we don't learn it in school. (Spoiler alert - empathy comes first!)
You see, when our nervous system is in distress, we undergo a process called flooding. This causes our brain chemistry to shift, so we literally have less access to our logical thinking abilities, and more blood goes to our survival centers that are focused on concepts like fighting, freezing, or running away. When this happens, and our partner comes at us with an amazing suggestion for what to do to solve our problem, we literally don't have the mental capacity to wrap our head around it, because our nervous system is operating on a different sphere. We may even get more upset, because we may think our partner is suggesting they don't think we can handle figuring out the problem ourselves, or this can play into other underlying relationship dynamics, and we both may get all spun up into a painful and frustrating moment. In essence, we skipped a step, and now things are getting all f-ed up. We've performed the subtraction before the multiplication... and what a mess we are in now...
What our brains need FIRST in the emotional order of operations is empathy. Yes, it may seem counter-intuitive, but the first step is to give our partner's nervous system clear signals that they are not alone. Humans tend to feel soothed when we feel seen and understood by the person who loves us. Knowing that we are not alone in our struggle, and we can access support and love is often the first step to helping our systems to calm from the distress of flooding.
We don’t need to hear ideas in this moment, we need to feel safe connection.
This can take the form of "just listening" while hugging our partner, or sharing validating comments like "Ugh - that sucks" or "I am so sorry - that sounds really hard." This could also mean asking genuine questions to make sure we are understanding. Like "Wow - that sounds intense - what did that feel like? Or "I'm so sorry - what is the scariest part?" Sometimes we may not be sure what to say, and that is alright. As author and researcher Brene Brown points out in her adorable youtube video featuring an animated fox and bear, "Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection."
This is good news for the perfectionists among us! We can often feel a lot of pressure to "get it right" for our partner - to come up with just the right thing to say. The good news is that the pressure is off in terms of our words. What our partner really needs from us in those moments is just our emotional presence. If we aren't sure what to say, we can be honest about that - "Wow - I'm not even sure what to say, but that sounds awful. I'm glad you shared this with me."
After our partner is able to feel our supportive presence, and their nervous system gets the reminder that they are not alone, then we may be able to proceed to problem-solving. However, that may or may not still feel necessary. People are often able to solve their own problems once their nervous system gets un-flooded. You may find that your partner actually comes up with the solution while they are in the process of talking it out with you. If you or your partner still feels like the problem remains, and needs a solution, then you can proceed to what I call "attuned problem-solving."
The "attuned" part means you don't just start foisting your ideas on your partner, brilliant as you may feel your ideas are… but you work together on this. Ie. you attune with each other. By this point, you may gently ask your partner "do you feel like you've got this, or would you like to brainstorm some ideas together?" The answer may be "no," which is OK. But sometimes, our partner would actually like to work on problem solving together. Then we can work as a team to do what you’re both so good at - generating and evaluating different ideas.
So, for those among us who want a corresponding acronym for the emotional order of operations, I propose: ECAPS
1) Empathy/Connection
2) Attuned Problem Solving
And wow - there’s only 2 steps here - so that makes it WAY easier than PEMDAS! Try it out, and let me know how it goes. this is just one step in building a more secure bond. If you and your partner would like more support in navigating situations, feel free to contact me to learn more about how I help scientific thinkers build more loving connection.
Rose Kormanyos is an Independent Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is the owner of Redwood Counseling, a private therapy practice serving Ohio. www.redwoodcounselingcincinnati.com
Photo Credit: Antoine Dautry via www.unsplash.com