As a Couples Therapist, I see the pressure many feel to choose a gift that will be at once surprising, romantic, spectacular, and also meaningful. It can be quite a puzzle to figure out .... and sometimes we might stress out about it so much that we are not fully present with our partner on this special day.
As a therapist, I truly believe that it's not as much about the gift as it is about the deeper meaning behind the gift. And this meaning can really vary from person to person. It can be helpful to start with some knowledge of what gifts mean, both to our partner and to ourselves. One way to find this out is to determine your and your partner's "Love Language(s)." As described in the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, the basic idea is that we all have our own way that we prefer to give and receive affection. They can be broken down in to 5 basic styles - gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service. We may have just one that we strongly prefer, or we may have a combination that feel meaningful to us. Our instinct tends to be to show our partner affection in the love language that makes the most sense to us, but this may or may not be the love language that makes sense to our partner.
For example, my strongest love language is words of affirmation. I later learned that one of my family member's love languages is gifts. I remember spending years wondering why this person was always "giving me crap," when I was really yearning for them to put their thoughts and feelings into words. Looking back, I now see that this was their way of showing me their caring, but it all got lost in translation for so long. This can happen in our romantic relationships, as well.
If you and your partner want to find out your Love Language, I recommend for you and your partner to take this quiz, and then read on.
Ok, so - if your partner scores high on the Love Language of gift giving, then a Valentine’s Day gift will likely be very meaningful to them. The traditional chocolate and flowers could be a great option, or you could also go another route if you have a feeling they enjoy out-of-the-box thinking. However, if they score low on gifts, or if they have a combo of gifts and other love languages, then it's likely that a less traditional gift will feel more meaningful.
Here is my list of top 5 Valentine's Day Gifts that go beyond flowers and chocolate and have some deeper meaning. For each, I also make a note which Love Language(s) I believe they are most likely to resonate with:
1. A Membership to Something Your Partner LOVES
Love Languages: Quality Time, Gifts
This is a gift that shows thought, caring, and also commitment to continue to engage in the things we love with our partner! This is a great option for a partner who scores high on the love language of quality time, because what they really want is to spend time with you while doing something fun or meaningful. Think about the activity that most excites and lights up your partner - maybe it's a trip to the symphony, a local museum, or a national park. A yearly membership or season tickets could be just the thing! Maybe your partner loves a certain snack, or activity. Search around to see what is out there, both from local and national companies. There are tons of subscription services for the X-of-the-month club, where X may be anything from local chocolate (ex. my favorite chocolatier in Cincinnati has a truffle of the month club – #Chocolats Latour) to watercolor painting kits (yes, this is a thing, too!). It's worth a quick Google search to see if the thing your partner is passionate about has such a subscription service.
Pro Tip: Make arrangements to include yourself in this event, which may mean a pair of subscriptions. What your partner really wants is to enjoy their favorite thing with you! And, if you really want to wow your quality-time-loving partner, make a treasure hunt with clues around the house, so that even finding the gift is a fun, shared experience!
2. Doing or Outsourcing a Task Your Partner HATES:
Love Language: Acts of Service
This is a great fit for a partner who scores high on acts of service. This Love Language means that we feel loved and cared for when our partner goes out of their way to do something kind for us. So, think about something your partner hates to do, and arrange to do that thing for them! It will likely be most meaningful if YOU do the task, but if needed due to logistics or the realities of each of our limited skillset, it can also be an option to outsources this. This could be cooking your partner’s favorite meal, detailing your partner's car, catering meal prep for a month, or scheduling a professional house cleaning while you take your partner out for a couple's massage. (Umm... also sign me up for that last one, please!)
Pro tip: If any of these tasks require some prep work or cleanup, take that into account, and plan to do that, as well. For example, dropping off and picking up the car for the detailing, or picking up items before the cleaner comes ... we don't want the gift to accidentally add more work for your partner)
3. An ENORMOUS Blanket
Love Languages: Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service
Ok, I might be the couples therapist, but credit for this gift COMPLETELY goes out to my husband! He is brilliant, and this is one of my favorite gifts he has gotten me/us! You see... like many couples, we had a nightly battle over the covers. Living in the Midwest in the winter added a certain urgency to this battle. Last year for Valentine's Day, he ordered us a California king sized comforter, which is much larger than the actual size of our bed. You guys - this has been amazing! We now have more than enough blanket to go around. The blanket battles have ceased and the cuddles have increased! In my opinion, this gift actually touches on several of the love languages - physical touch (more cuddles!), quality time (less arguing over the covers), acts of service (solving a logistical problem that had plagued us).
Pro Tip: If you want to add even more finesse to this gift, consider choosing a color that has a symbolic meaning to your relationship, and consider getting a duvet cover that is washable to avoid putting the whole comforter in the washer/ dryer (because it’s SO HUGE it usually needs two dryer cycles to dry fully, but a duvet cover would just require one).
4. Pour Your Heart Out!
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation may be one of the most difficult things to “get” our partner for a holiday, especially if this is not a Love Language that comes naturally for us. If your partner scores high in this love language, they are yearning for you to verbalize your thoughts and feelings about what they mean to you - What do you most love, cherish, and admire about them? What first drew you to them? What are your top 3 favorite memories with them? What does it mean to you that they are in your life? The deeper you can dig, the better!
This may take the form of a heart-felt, hand-written card (maybe throw in some chocolate and flowers for good measure), or if you have some poetic or musical talent, create an original work dedicated to your partner! If you and your partner are married, this might even be writing out your marriage vows and framing them.
If it’s hard to come up with the words on your own, choose a poem or song lyrics that capture your feelings, and then write this out and frame it, or maybe even create a playlist of songs that resonate with how you feel about your partner. (Help – I’m getting old…is a playlist the new mix tape?)
Pro Tip: If this is hard for you (it’s OK- it is for many of us), try sharing that with your partner. “It’s not easy for me to put my feelings into words, but I really wanted to try….so here we go… "
5. Registering for a Couples Workshop - such as Hold Me Tight® !
Love Languages: ALL OF THEM!
Ok, so I LOVE everything else on this list (I did write it, after all…), but I firmly believe that a couples workshop or retreat is, in many ways, is the absolute best gift we can give our relationship – not just now, but for our whole lives. Some of the wisest couples I have met make it a point to invest in some kind of couples workshop once every year to keep their relationship growing, deepening, and thriving.
A couples retreat will help you and your partner to slow down and focus on your relationship in a way that we just can’t replicate in the bustle of our daily lives. I co-facilitate a couples workshop here in Cincinnati called Hold Me Tight,® which I find to be one of the best examples of an excellent couples workshop that helps dig deep and helps couples obtain lasting change.
A well-designed couples retreat like Hold Me Tight® will teach you a new way of communicating and being present with your partner that will continue to serve you for the rest of your lives. For example, a Hold Me Tight® couples retreat helps couples to identify their patterns – the patterns that keep us strong as a couple, and also the patterns that may sometimes keep us from connecting. Every relationship has some of these moments - when we may accidentally miss our partner with our attempts to connect or communicate. We then help couples to learn about this pattern, including the brain science of what happens in these confusing moments, and how to shift this pattern to connect in deeper and more meaningful ways.
A Hold Me Tight® couples workshop addresses every Love Language:
Words of Affirmation: We set the tone for the workshop by beginning with an activity that allows couples to put into words something they appreciate or admire about each other.
Quality Time and Acts of Service: Nothing says “I love you and you matter to me” like setting aside two full days to devote to strengthening our bond with our partner! It’s not easy – Hold Me Tight is a lot of work (act of service for your partner), but we also include games and activities to keep it fun, and there is laughter too (quality time!).
Physical Touch: Physical Touch is best possible when we are feeling secure and relaxed in our bond with our partner, so as we start to better navigate our moments of disconnection, physical touch can start to flow better. Our Hold Me Tight workshops also include a section to help couples talk about their intimacy in a way that helps them to feel safe and connected.
Gifts: Well… perhaps this is the weakest link of a Hold Me Tight workshop, in terms of Love Languages… I mean, we do give each member of the couple a binder with all the info and wisdom from the workshop. And we also have some little goodies and surprises to give out along the way. But that’s pretty much it. (Hmm… maybe we should look into getting t-shirts made? Or commemorative Hold Me Tight coffee mugs? Ooh -or ENORMOUS blankets!)
But, until then, I think you get my point – a Hold Me Tight® workshop goes beyond flowers and chocolate to give your relationship a true gift of deeper connection that you will carry with you for the rest of your lives together.
Head on over to the Hold Me Tight®Cincinnati website for more info or to register for our next Hold Me Tight ® workshop in Cincinnati!
Written by Rose Kormanyos, MA, IMFT, and cross-posted with www.HoldMeTightCincinnati.com
Owner and Therapist at Redwood Counseling, LLC
Co-facilitator of Hold Me Tight® Cincinnati
Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Dr. Sue Johnson, PhD
(Photo courtesy of Lex Guerra via Unsplash.com)